The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.

Henry Miller

(1891-1980)

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.

Henry Ward Beecher

(1813-1887)

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.

Thornton Wilder

(1897-1975)

The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

Carlos Castenada

(1925-1998)

Joseph Campbell

(1904-1987)

The past few weeks have been trying:

~ Winter has really outstayed her welcome and I'm tired to my bones of the grey and cold and wet. It's enough already, I need some greenery, colour and sunshine. These things have a deep effect on my sense of well-being.

~ Holiday travel plans fell through at the last minute due to an unforeseen bureaucratic delay, the result of which is that I will not be able to travel to warmer climes, attend an art retreat I've been looking forward to for nearly two years, and will not be spending time with friends I've either not seen for a very, very long time or was planning to meet for the first time. There were tears of frustration and disappointment.

~ Work has been frantic and fraught for months on end and my energy levels are depleted almost to the point of collapse. I hate feeling so demotivated because generally I love what I do.

~ Two people I care about very much are going through rough times themselves and their hurt and my inability to make it better for them, hurts. Not feeling resourceful in situations like this a very uncomfortable place for me.

~ My current living arrangements are changing quite dramatically and although this is a good thing, getting to this point has been a bit of a struggle. I'm worn out by worrying about it all.

I realise that in the grand scheme, these are not that major and are certainly not life and death problems. They are the sorts of trials we might all face. And they are all things that in some form I've faced and overcome before myself. It's not the things themselves that are the issue. I'm certain the only reason they've seemed so trying is the fact that they've all happened simultaneously. And this has had me thinking about some of my coping mechanisms.

I don't believe in fate. It does not gel for me that we have a brain, which enables us to think analytically, make choices, exert our will, and so on, but then that everything is predetermined. And yet, I don't believe we have full control either. We do not live in a vacuum and despite our best plans and intentions, things happen that we cannot influence or change and these can have an impact on us, sometimes unanticipated. Perhaps this is what we see as fate?

Either way, when we are feeling tested, how we respond is something I really do believe we have some control over. For me it's not what I look at but what I see that makes the difference. This is not news. I'm not the first to reach this conclusion. But I've been observing myself over the past few weeks and I've noticed the following tendencies or habits help me deal with situations that put me under pressure:

~ I tend to believe that things happen for good reason and that even when the reason is not clear at the time, it will eventually become clear. How is this different from fate? I'm not entirely sure. I probably need to give this more thought but I think perhaps it's more about seeking the good that comes out of any situation. Invariably I can find at least one good thing and often more. This makes it easier for me to accept.

~ I tend to count my blessings. This helps me put things back in perspective. Perspective helps me feel less overwhelmed by negativity because I usually find I have far more to be thankful than I have to be frustrated about. So much more.

~ I tend to look at the big picture. When I see my current situation in relation to my month, my year, my life to-date, the life I hope to enjoy over all, the lives of others, the lives of the majority even, it helps me realise that the situation I'm currently in is just a point in time and that it will not last forever. It's easier to work through hard stuff when there's the prospect of it not lasting forever.

~ I tend to focus in on the detail. I know this sounds like a contradiction of the point above but I find it's entirely possible to do both. When I look at the whole Winter season, for example, and the big picture is long and grey and miserable, it's easy to start to feel like that is all there is. But when I seek out small details, like a glimpse of blue sky no matter how brief, or a tiny, tiny white flower at a time when flowers are hard to find, I find there's much to celebrate and take comfort in.

~ I tend to accept and let go. Once I've worked through the stages above, I do try very hard and consciously to reach a state of acceptance and not to harbour anger, bitterness or regret. I succeed to greater or lesser extent depending on the issue, the timeframe and the underlying plan, hope or expectation that's being challenged, denied or disappointed. But eventually, if I am able to accept and let go, I find I'm happier and able to move forward.

Please don't believe this means I don't get frustrated, angry, grumpy, feel sorry for myself or am not sometimes unhappy. Far from it. Nor does it mean I don't feel things strongly, commit to them, or work hard to make things happen the way I'd like, to avoid having to deal with these horrible things in the first place. Far from it. And I certainly don't suggest that my ways might work well for others. Far from it.

But I see that they work for me. They have worked for me. The trying things above still happened, and had the described effect on me. But several days have passed and I feel better about all of them because of the these approaches.

~ Winter has not left us but I feel Spring is in the wings. We've had a couple of sunny spells and more and more flowers are appearing - I'm noticing the details.

~ The holiday is not what I imagined but I am making alternative arrangements and these will be enjoyable too. The other plans can be rescheduled and just because they haven't happened now does not mean they will not happen at all - I am accepting and letting go of that disappointment and frustration in favour of fun and new hope.

~ I'm on leave for the next few weeks and the rest will allow me to recharge and restore my energy levels - in the big picture, a few months of frantic and fraught is not unmanageable or the effects irreversible.

~ The situation with my loved ones will pass, is passing - and for different reasons in each case I see good things emerging for them from the challenges and changes they are facing.

~ I am very excited about my move. I will end up with more space, more privacy, more creative freedom - these are all things to be very thankful for. Blessings.

Also, I'm thankful for friends. Thank you lovely Claire for entrusting your special space to me, and creating the space for this moment of musing. I've so enjoyed being here.

{I will be away for the next two weeks. You will still be hearing from me and a few others who will be guest blogging here. I have lined up four people: Kendalee, Ann, Beth and James. I have chosen these people for very different reasons which will be explained each day that they post on. I will also be blogging next week Wednesday. I will be asking you to share your favourite memory either via a comment or a link back to your own blog or website. Please start thinking about what you would like to share. Know that I will be thinking of you while I am away.}   

{i usually write in the morning. today the words came at dusk. this photo is part of my 365 project.i have been spending a lot of time on flickr due to my new job over at high calling blogs. i have marked a few favourites. go here to see them.}  

{this photo is part of my 365 project. i am inspired by beth this morning. she thinks she wants to be two again. i am also very excited to let you know that i have a few very special guest posts lined up in two weeks time. calvin and i will be going away and i wanted to share with you a few of the treasures that i turn to regularly.}

{WARNING: This post is not written to boast but to share a life changing experience.}

Joy has surprised me this week. It moved into my heart. I have asked it to please stay.

It moved in because my focus shifted. A few months ago someone challenged me to simply start giving of myself and to expect nothing in return. I took up the challenge on many different levels. This week I have been harvesting.

The week started with the photos above. They are the results of part 2, of a 12 part Christmas gift, that Calvin and I have given to friends of ours. On the second Tuesday of every month, an invite is slipped into their post box. It is an invite to participate in an activity which has taken them from a candlelit dinner to building activities so far. Last Sunday they had to create a house from sweet things and candy, whilst considering their life together: their foundations, the windows into and out of their life and also what fills the rooms of their lives. The photos show two children of their own, an adopted baby and a a very big bed with the two of them on it of course. I had so much fun taking photos and hearing them tell us about the experience. Organising these activities has taken time, planning,hard work and effort. The interesting thing though is that it has filled me up to the point of overflowing. It has never felt like work.

As the week progressed, I discovered this post over at Kathleen's place. This type of friendship inspires me and I prayed whilst reading this post that God would teach me to be this type of friend. I was surprised that night to receive a card in the post. The card was filled with a bookmark and a keyring and the most caring words written just for me, from a friend of mine. 

I open my inbox and Kathleen's name is waiting: she says she misses my images. She says I see the world differently.   

This morning I attend a business presentation on future global trends and their impact on small businesses. Anne Lise Kjaer is the speaker and she speaks straight to my heart because she speaks the beattitudes in worldly terms. I like people who can do this type of translation without even realising it. Consumerism is yesterday. Consumers are people. We need to be gentle with the world. We need to produce happiness for customers. We need to look after our bodies. Future trends all spoken eons ago by God, the designer of this race. "Love your neighbour". "Freely give". "Turn the other cheek". "You are given dominion...". "Remember the Sabbath day".    

I return to the office and a group of people are discussing their definitions of success. I hear: "I want", "wealth", "retire early" and "my own time".

A voice in me whispers a counter intuitive wisdom: "Freely give for you have received."

I have received. No more chasing. No more trying to gain. Just giving. I have everything already. I simply need to give it all away.

How do you give? Do you perhaps need to start giving more of yourself? What do you have to give?

my hair

in its messy bun

likes it

when you

make it come

all

undone

I had a frank discussion with God this week.

I told Him that the heaven described in the bible is not a very appealing one to me. I have never particulaly been a lover of all that shines and sparkles. I prefer low key, natural environments where my soul has time to breathe, to pursue the unseen. I have an intrinsic need for open space. I also told him that His character, as I am growing to know Him, somehow does not fit the extravagant picture either.  

When I speak honestly like this, I always wait in silent anticipation for the answer. He took four days to respond.

Along the shoreline, whilst driving up a long hill Carolyn Arends sings to me about "Reaching". The heaven I grasp in human terms is not actually the heaven that awaits me. It will far exceed my expectations. The longing inside of me is simply the start of the never ending beginning.

Calvin is studying Revelation and in the middle of his study last weekend he stopped mid sentence and said to me: "Do you know that there will be no light or temple in the New Jerusalem?" I had read this before but it had never really hit home as to why. God himself will be the light and the temple. God has light... mmm. A thought larger than light itself to comprehend.

Words about Moses not being allowed into the Promised Land. Questions about doors shutting and big capital letters: "NO". God closed that particular door on Moses but the book of Jude tells me that the angels and evil forces struggled over his body. The angels won the struggle and took him home. Home is not the Promised Land. Its one step up in fact.

I walk towards the meeting. The rise in temperature speaks to me of spring. The sweet smell of cotton candy drifts towards me and swirls about my hair. Surprised, I look for its origin but can see nothing out of the ordinary. The fragrance lingers. If His company becomes heaven on earth to me, then the change between here and the everlasting will simply be a change of location, not company.

Ego. Pride. Saving Face. Self Preservation. Always Right. Always Knows Best. Always One Up.

Recognise these? My day is filled with them today. Glaringly, obviously, painfully so. I do not think that there is a day that passes where I do not face these constructs, but there are days like today, where very little is able to mask them. I recognise them in myself as well as in those around me. 

Why do people play each other up against one another? 

Why do people say one thing to me and an entirely different thing to the next person? 

Why do people use these mechanisms to reach personal goals? 

Why do people believe that the ladder only has so many rungs to climb? 

Why do people think that there isn't enough for everyone to share? 

Why do people hoard knowledge?

Why do people think that helping another person lessens your own chances at success?

Why do people think inwardly rather than outwardly? 

Why do people see community as a threat? 

Why do people not recognise that self preservation is a wire noose, destined to leave even the most agile dried up and without life?

What does it take, on my part, to change this type of thinking? Can I change it? Does it need to be changed? 

What are your thoughts on Political Games?  

I was graciously invited by Laura Barkat to collaborate with her on a project for Curator Magazine. It was an honour and a blessing to place my humble photography next to words written by an author who I both admire and respect.

Laura, thank you for this privilege.

For those of you who have shared in this joy via email and comments over at Laura's blog, thank you for your encouragement and inspiration.